My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Chemical wingman
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands