I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
The first matador
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.