haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup