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Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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