ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
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ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Previously On Persistence 😎
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.