Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow