Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.