I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.