My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird