Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
ibopfufen
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏