Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My life in a nutshell
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
School be like
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I’d love this…lol
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.