*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
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Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Me too door. Me too.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
These are too funny not to post 😂
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉