New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
You Might Also Like
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.