Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*