i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
You Might Also Like
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish