me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?