Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
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Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.