I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
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One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
A Short Story.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.