One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
That eye roll….
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday