Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe