I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.