[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
scrabbled eggs
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis