“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
ugh not again
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Friday night party time 🥳
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl