[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!