Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend