“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…