Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’