Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
“Huge”.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.