Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
You Might Also Like
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Hamburger Hinderer.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.