I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
You Might Also Like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Lmao
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.