Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.