Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
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Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
🌱🌱🌱
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.