You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is