I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.