Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.