going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Safety first
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.