friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT