ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.