*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander