There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.