[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
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salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Sounds about right! 💯
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