Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
They’re on their honeymoon
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”