DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies