My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?