It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.