The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.