Alexa: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
no one ever comes back
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
thank god the sign was there
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.