ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
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(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.