Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Check out the legs on this baby
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️