Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
You Might Also Like
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
handsome & gretel
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.